"May I find true refuge within my own being"
Beneath the narrator's voice in your head, there's something else.
There's a safe place. A place of complete silence. A place of peace.
When I sit to meditate, sometimes I picture myself on a little boat on the sea. Around me, there's a storm. The wind is blowing, and rain is pouring down. I'm thrown around, and even though I try hard to hold on to my boat, I'm slipping away. I hold on as tight as I can. It takes a lot of effort. I'm terrified and desperate. But then, I take a deep breath and surrender. I let go. I stand up, and I jump. I take a leap of faith right into the big ocean. Out into the unknown.
What happens then is that I drown.
Ok, not really. This always surprises me. What happens is that I get sucked down under the water into a cave. A cave that is warm and I can see the water falling outside. The waterfall creates a loud noise, but I sit there, inside my refuge and watch. The cave is peaceful. Quiet. It's still. It's safe, and I'm untouchable.
Nothing else matters.
I'm behind the waterfall. A slow silence emerges. No control needed. In the cave I experience ease. I hear myself thinking "this is it."
Tara Brach talks about "true refuge." I believe my cave is my true refuge. I sit there, all alone and I feel everything is ok. I'm ok. I was always ok.
Meditation is the secret portal to the cave.
To the place where outcomes and achievements don't matter. Meditation opens that door and invites you into the silence.
"We find true refuge whenever we recognize the silent space of awareness behind all our busy doing and striving.”
― Tara Brach
Why is it that we try to hold on to things that are not meant to be?
Why do we push and force that what is not for us?
Looking back I see that every time I tried to make things happen that were not meant to be, I suffered. And the thing did not happen anyway, no matter how much I wanted it. Instead, I got something else. Something much better. I wouldn't change anything about my life right now. Simply taking a look at my three kids reminds me of how perfect it all came to be.
So why did I fight it?
Why did I try to change the outcome? Had I known three little monsters were waiting for me in the future, then I would never have fought or argued with the doors that closed, with the things that were not meant to be.
The million dollar question is then, why on earth do we argue with what is about to come? Why not let go? Why not jump from the boat and let the ocean pull you into peace and a life lived with ease?
I contemplate about this while I sit in silence. While I watch the waterfall. While life unfolds with a force of its own and all I can do is to let go. All I can do is jump.